Excuse the madness!

Have you ever wanted something so bad it makes your stomach ache. You know what you want but have no clue how to get it or get there, or IF you'll even get it. Well welcome to my world for the past 15 years.  For some strange reason the pursuit of my acting career has done this to me. Especially in the last year since I have taken it up again.  The desire to succeed in this field has brought up so many emotions for me. Fear, guilt, doubt, anxiety. 

Fear of failing.  I'll just quit, it's easier, that way if it never happens I don't have to admit to everyone that I didn't succeed. 

How dare I ask for more!  I have a great family, my health, a job, a house, a supercrazyfunnywonderful step daughter, 2 dogs and an AMAZING husband.  

I convince myself that not only am I not worthy of MY dreams coming true but that I'm also being super selfish in the process and wonderful things happen to everyone else, not me.  

"Why aren't I booking any jobs, is this God telling me to quit, am I not cutting it, why am I doing this, what was I thinking, i'm married, I have a family, responsibilities!!!"

I'm going to be honest, I haven't felt this whacked out probably since like never.  It's a totally different emotion for me, so weird that I seriously can not deal with it at times.  The ONLY thing that brings me comfort is knowing that GOD is in control and I know HE has his hand in all of this madness and I know he will make sense out of all of this.

If you followed my blog before I had "technical difficulties" and "accidentally" deleted it you'll know that this started out as a journey.  A journey of my acting career and a major work that God was doing in my life.  Again, I don't know where either will end up.  What I do know is that "He will never leave me nor forsake me" (Hebrews 13:5). Basically God will never abandon me and leave me stranded. So In times of fear, doubt, guilt and anxiety, I must cling to God and his promises.